Monday, October 26, 2009

Digress and obsess

Feeling the desperate urge to rant out my feelings right now. I'm actually feeling a tinge of fustration because I still have not got a reply back from Dr Philip Jones regarding resitting my O&G term in 2010 plus news about my portfolio examination which I have obtained an 'unsatisfactory' performance in. Its either he hasn't received it yet (quite unlikely as I have been sending out other email to friends which I have gotten prompt replies the next day), can't be bothered to reply back or is still making further arrangements. I know my level of patience is extremely low but then a line that must be drawn when you are waiting ricdiculously long for just one simple, mundane answer/reply. Furthermore, the anxiety and tension starts to pile up and you can't do anything except just fret, digress and obsess about it.

These past few nights as I was heading off to sleep, I couldn't help but wonder if my situation had been reversed and that I had passed the O&G exam and would be back home for at least a year recuperating from a year of intense study. But at least I would have known that its all over and that I just need to prepare myself for internship. Unfortunately, this is not the case and I have to trudge myself back to Sydney for at least another 8 weeks to redo my O&G term and portfolio exam, sit for the dreaded OSCE and VIVA exam that will determine whether or not I can finally pass and achieve my much desired and anticipated MBBS certificate. I honestly don't care even if I don't attend the graduation ceremony in May, so long as they just hand me the certificate in black and white; I'll be happy to take it and pack my bags and leave the country as soon as possible.

So right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed and heavily burdened. The future looks so grim and filled with unexpected and unfortunate events. I don't know even if I can make it this time around and I have already been wounded deeply from my previous two failed attempts so I hardly have much strength, will and determination left. I'll have to try to take it as it is; as the saying goes 'Come what may' and 'If it's meant to be, then its meant to be'. I always thought of myself as highly inadequate and unworthy to be called a medical student and its amazing that I have managed to scrape through 6 years of medicine with the stroke of luck on my side. I don't possess intelligence, confidence, self-respect and awesome communication skills that enables you to pass any interview or oral examination with flying colours. Basically I am not blessed with the qualities of a doctor or maybe I simply don't even have any good virtues/traits/characterisitics. I feel pretty much of a failure all the time and I often beat myself up about it either by lashing it out on others or on myself. These acts of 'repent' often form a vicious cycle and sometimes I start to feel insecure and weird if I do not engage in these acts as they are way to help cleanse me off my 'sins'. I feel like a disappointment to my parents especially who have sacrificed so much for me to have a better education in Sydney, who have used up all their savings and earnings on me in the hopes of me fullfilling my ambition as a doctor and who have dedicated their lives to see me lead a normal, healthy and happy life. And what hurts the most is that I was UNABLE TO FULLFILL ANY OF THESE TASKS....What kind of disrespectful and despicable daughter am I? I don't think I deserve much happiness from now on the fact that I have sunken so low to hit almost rock bottom.

No comments:

Post a Comment