Thursday, August 27, 2009

Depressing post

Maybe the upcoming exams are driving me a BIT mad. Okay, that's a little bit of understatement...I think its practically driving me to the brink of insanity due to the pressure to perform, the lingering feelings of doubt, pessism and impending failure knowing that you could have done more, tried harder or prepared more effectively for the exam. I am not being selfish in raving on about my emotional turmoil as I suspect that everyone at my stage or current situation is at least suffering from similar feelings if not probably more. Everyone handles stress differently and I envy the ones that are able to take things in a cool, light-hearted manner or perhaps the ones that only explode once the exams are over (as in 'supressed' stress or 'the burnt out after-phase'). There's just TOO much left to gobble down and I fear I am unable to finish at least ROUND ONE SATISFACTORILY. Flying through topics at a lightning speed in the aim or hopes that in doing so, you at least covered more or less everything and praying that you retain as much information as possible in the process is not very EFFECTIVE. But I have NO CHOICE at the moment due to scarce amount of time left (approximately a bit more than 3 weeks). I know you can never be fully prepared for an exam but in my case I'm not in the medical student category of 'smart' or 'above average' hence more effort and perserverance needs to played on my part.

The anxiety about the exam has also affected me physically and psychologically. It has basically sapped away most of my energy as well as leaving behind traces of guilt everytime I take a 'breather' or fail to accomplish the tasks I set out to do beforehand. I feel out of control which is the one feeling I DESPISE THE MOST. Therefore I turn to several coping mechanisms to deal with the fustration, pain and anger. I will not mention any of them here as the majority of them are quite self-destructive in nature and I am not promoting or encouraging unhealthy habits just so that you can obtain a certain form of temporary 'relief' afterwards. Mind you, these acts work on a vicious cycle and just like an addiction to a drug, your body builds up tolerance to it after some time and you continuously need to engage in these repeatitive and ritualistic behaviours in order to get back the same euphoric feeling afterwards. Everyone has their own special way of dealing with stress and when you are a medical student with exams constantly bombarding you, 'stress' has become the norm. Its no wonder a lot of us are very hot tempered, inpatient and cranky.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Pre-exam woes= Physical and emotional turmoil

The title says it all. Right now I have less than 6 weeks left till my dreaded FINALS. Apart from feeling overwhelmed by the vast amount of studying that still needs to be done, I haven't exactly been in top form lately. I've recently come down again with a 'stomach bug' which seemed to have phantom-ly crept up on me unexpectedly. I have no absolutely no idea what its due to as it lasted a bit too long for the diagnosis of 'gastroenteritis' to be established and it could very well be due to stress related gastritis or even irratable bowel syndrome. Its better now at least but I still occasionally throw up after eating certain foods that seem to trigger off the nausea. I hope it goes off soon otherwise I will have to consider seeking medical advice and treatment and not presumably basing it upon my own differential diagnosis and assumptions.

Apart from being physically unwell, I've been a bit low in spirits. The majority of it is probably stemming from exam stress but I find myself more irratable these days and easily lash out at the slightest mistakes not to mention being more prone to fleeting episodes of 'sorrowfulness'. It takes a lot of determination and motivation everyday to sit down and study for endless hours, trying your absolute hardest to digest everything you read and making sure you don't forget the vital aspects of it. And it gets even more fustrating when you can't seem to recall much of the information that you had previously studied a few weeks earlier which immediately drives my mind into 'PANIC MODE'. I admit that I am definitely hovering a very pessimistic attitude towards my exam and reminding myself everyday that it will be a 'MIRACLE' if i can pass my end of year exam which is the final ticket to becoming a doctor. I wish that I had more inner strength and faith in myself instead of harbouring irrational thoughts and emotions when I haven't even sat for the exam yet.